Rewind back to a few years ago, and I was somewhat ‘anti’ a lot of things.
I would say things like:
“I don’t ‘do’ the outdoors.”
“I don’t ‘do’ bathing suits in front of other people.”
“I don’t ‘do’ yoga.”
“I don’t ‘do’ dancing.”
“I don’t ‘do’ [fill in the blank with ANYTHING that left me susceptible to other people’s judgments or ‘awareness’ of my body]
I made decisions (blanket statements) about who I WAS and who I WASN’T strictly based on my own judgments of myself.
And the upkeep of those judgments were based on the following kinds of (daily) conversations in my head:
“I can’t go. What if I’m the fattest one there?”
“Will I be the least experienced? Will I be the only one who can’t do it all? Will I be the odd ball?”
“What am I going to wear? I hate how my body looks in everything.”
“Do I really want other people to see my butt sticking up in the air, my thighs jiggle and boobs bounce when I run, or see my ‘fat ass’…period?”
“I don’t have time.”
“I don’t have the energy.”
“I don’t want to. I can’t let anyone else see me _____.”
Yup! Those were the types of conversations on replay in the back of my mind and in my heart every single day for nearly 30 years. That’s a lot of ‘reps’ that I practiced.
And I practiced thinking, acting, and feeling like that every single day…until I didn’t anymore.
Until I drew that line in the sand and decided that I wasn’t going to live like that anymore — that I was going to do whatever it takes to end that toxic relationship with myself and that toxic relationship with my body.
(By the way, that was my self-talk even AFTER I lost the weight and had what some would consider the ‘perfect’ body)
Because what your body LOOKS like and how you FEEL in that body of yours do not always align. The truth is that once I started FEELING better and FEELING more connected to my body, THAT is when getting my body to look the way I wanted it to look became SO MUCH easier.
But I had to learn something new.
I didn’t know what I didn’t know. And I couldn’t see what I couldn’t see. That’s why I needed NEW awarenesses and insight. I needed a new set of ‘goggles’
So here’s what I did:
I went and I got ‘right’ with my body. I got ‘right’ with my fat. I called a truce.
I decided to stop berating it, ignoring it, abusing it, and overworking it, and I learned how to CARE for it.
We became friends, partners-in-crime to do all the things I never tried or was sitting on the sidelines wishing I had, and I went and PLAYED.
I learned how to paddleboard, ice skate, roller skate, became friends with nature, started dancing, acted like a kid again, became a “girly girl”, and set myself (and my body free) after 30 years of feeling trapped. All those things I told myself I would never (or could never do), I went and at least TRIED them to find out for sure.
It’s as if I (for the first time in my life) came ALIVE in my body.
Seriously though! I was SO far gone and disconnected from my body, and after only a couple of weeks of living my life with my new ‘goggles’, EVERYTHING changed for me. And I didn’t even have to convince myself to stay the course. It simply BECAME me.
And if I can do it (after 30 years of living my life feeling like me and my body were living as two separate entities), so can YOU! I believe this in my heart of hearts.
But here’s the thing:
No one could give me a ‘blueprint’ to go figure out how to connect with my body and to learn how to PLAY.
I needed to give myself permission to EXPERIMENT and find out what I like and what makes ME feel good.
I needed to stop IGNORING my body and start LISTENING to it.
I needed to create MY version of body connection and MY version of freedom in my body.
✘ Not how to force myself to exercise.
✘ Not how to ‘muddle my way through’ something til the minute hand reaches a certain number on the clock.
✘ Not how to regiment myself, punish myself, or talk myself into things.
✘ Not how to hide my body, hide my true desires for joy and fun and connection.
✔ To go experiment and be a kid again, to feel like a woman, and to play. But to let my body be wherever it was — to meet it THERE…and find some way to CONNECT to it.
And so do you! I believe you need (and deserve!) to find YOUR version of that.
Because YOU are not a widget.
And if you want LASTING transformation, you MUST create a path to self-care that works FOR YOU
It’s got to take into account YOUR body, YOUR life, YOUR desires, YOUR preferences, and YOUR goals.
Because if it doesn’t, you’ll always be FORCING it – trying to fit yourself into some impossible and unsustainable box.
And that’s not practical. It won’t work long-term.
It must work FOR you and be created BY you so that it can live THROUGH you…or else it WILL be short-lived.
I’ll end this now… But I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t at least ask:
When are you finally going to give yourself permission?
What would it take for YOU to ditch all that control and restriction and deprivation…
What would it take for YOU to ditch all that punishing yourself, persuading yourself, and belittling yourself…
What would it take for YOU to finally draw that line in the sand and (re)learn how to EAT, (re)learn how to PLAY, (re)learn how to do it all in a way you could easily LIVE with, and (re)learn how to go in the direction of LOVE (not hate) while you go?
Only YOU can decide it to be so. Only YOU can decide to leave behind what you once knew…and step into something NEW. Something magical. Something that sets you free.
