I used to do ANYTHING to avoid working out. I don’t think it was necessarily the working out part that I was avoiding. I was avoiding risking my body being seen by others…or simply having attention drawn to my overweight, out-of-shape, nonathletic, unskilled body.
If I were to participate in sports, extra curricular activities, or even PE class as a kid, to me that was the ultimate vulnerability.
So I figured if I avoided it as much as humanly possible, I would feel ‘safe’, and in the meantime, I simply hoped and wished that no one would notice I was bigger than the other girls, that my thighs rubbed together, or that my weight was nearly double that of the other girls my age.
And that’s exactly what I did. I avoided it at all costs. I tutored ESOL kids, joined chorus, and was on the Yearbook team so that I could get out of PE class. I
I sat on the sidelines of birthday parties that were in swimming pools, roller skating rinks, or generally involved the outdoors (or physical activity) at all.
No one excluded me. In fact, others tried to INCLUDE me. I was the one who chose to ‘sit this one out’ and the next one, and the next one…
Fast forward to my 20’s when I was deep in the midst of my own weight loss journey.
My last years of college were when I started becoming OBSESSED with losing weight, working out, and micro-managing my food. And it stayed this way for the next few years (even during my post-college work and travel adventures overseas. If you’re wondering, yes they have Weight Watchers all over the world. Every country I joined in I hoped would be different, but it never was.)
Then after my adventures overseas I moved back home and decided I wanted to make fitness a career. By this point, it had changed my life (and body) so drastically, I wanted to help other’s experience the same thing.
So I went back to school. I had already been studying ‘the craft’ and held multiple certifications, but wanted to make my education ‘official’, and and my research guided to this intensive 6-month program where half the day you’re in the classroom learning anatomy, physiology, exercise science, and nutrition….and half the day you’re down on the gym floor learning practical application of it all.
I loved it. I was obsessed with my education. I remember thinking: “I’ve learned more here in 6 months than I did in all 4 years of college!”
I even went on to become an intern there…and then an instructor. I thought I had found my calling.
Only looking back, I can see that’s where my obsession got even more intense.
I had become the dictator of my body.
★ Obsessively weighing myself AND constantly checking my body fat percentage
★ Working out during school hours AND hitting classes or lifting weights after school
★ Judging myself as a woman AND now judging myself as a personal trainer (the perfectionism REALLY started kicking in)
But here’s what else started happening for the first time in my life: Injuries.
I was so obsessed….but I was also still SO out of touch with my body.
★ I had no idea how to ‘listen’ to what it was telling me.
★ I had no idea how to say “enough is enough”
★ I had no idea how to work smarter, so I was only working harder
And I suffered my first injury…and then my next…and then my next.
I remember the dean of the school coming over to me one time because a friend of mine pulled him aside and let him know I was injured but planned to work out anyways. He told me I wasn’t allowed to work out that day and forced me to sit out. I remember being grateful for my friend, but SO disappointed. The thoughts that entered my mind were things like
“Oh my god! I’m gonna get fat!”
“I have to work out. I have to work out! I HAVE TO WORK OUT!”
“Okay Leanne, you are going down to bare bones calorie intake”
“Ahhhh! Panic! Fear! Anxiety!”
Side note: Fast forward about 3 years later, and I was laying on an operating table at The Cleveland Clinic for major spine surgery. A procedure that I now endearingly call “The Cost of Skinny”. Could it have been avoided? Who knows? Although weirdly enough it was one of the best things that ever happened to me (will save that for another post), I also now believe I could have avoided it if I knew then what I know now.
So fast forward to today….
Since I left my ‘fitness expert’ days behind me a few years ago, I have completely changed my relationship with my body, with exercise, and with how I ‘use’ my body.
I’ve not gotten pretty darn good at learning how to take care of my body (give it what it needs, while giving myself what I want) AND at keeping my body (lean)ish, fit(ish), happy(ish), and pain free all year long — without spending a TON of time, effort, or worry to do it.
But rewind a couple weeks ago, and I had a strong urge come over me. Something inside of me decided that I wanted to take the summer and kick things up a notch — get a bit fitter, stronger, leaner, and just generally spend a bit more effort on my body.
So after some research I stumbled upon something called Classpass. They have it in multiple cities all over the world, but bottom line is: you get access to a network of ’boutique’ studios in your area, and you can mix and match classes based on what you desire. (Ptsss. Here’s the hookup for a $30 off coupon for your first month if you’re curious to try). I joined a couple weeks ago, and it’ been a fun (yet eye-opening) experience.
It was VERY interesting being out there in the world again as a ‘student’, not as the expert. I don’t claim to be an ‘expert’ in fitness anymore, and I am happy to pass on the torch to more qualified, skilled, and gifted individuals than I.
I prefer to be a participant — to experience it for the joy and fun of it — and to NOT take it seriously whatsoever.
So what did I discover going in as a student?
Week 1 I was pumped up! Any moment of downtime, I found myself looking through my classplass app to see what classes were taking place near me. I was like a kid in a candy store, and I loved not having to commit to any one thing. I went to 4 different classes in that first week alone.
Then week 2 came around. My now-sore and worked-out body was paired with that resistance in my mind.
“Do you really want to go?”
“One day off won’t kill you.”
“No Leanne! It’s only your second week! Woman up and go!”
Whaddya know? The same internal resistance and self-talk that my clients experience and I help them conquer….was creeping into my own headspace.
My own default way of thinking creeped in:
★ The thinking that told me NOT to go
★ The thinking that told me to STAY on my couch in my warm, cozy Snuggie
★ The self-talk that chimed in and expressed guilt and shame and blame and comparison for not being ‘stronger’ than my default.
And here’s what I realized:
That default thinking of ours never fully goes away. But who you are in the face of it can change….if you decide it to be so.
I used to believe that this was one of my ‘fatal flaws’, but now I have compassion for myself (and for others) and can see it for what it is.
And sure those urges never fully go away. But who we become has to change if we want to deal with them in the way that we want to.
So that we feel powerful, and responsible, and like we are the pilot in our lives.
Not so that we are constantly feeling guilty for what we aren’t doing, ashamed of who we aren’t being, blaming ourselves for what we’ve done wrong, or comparing ourselves to what we think we ‘should’ or are ‘supposed to’ be doing.
The obstacles and waves of ‘laziness’ and of our deal-making selves won’t disappear. We have to grow ourselves to deal with it– to handle it — to overcome it.
So how did I choose to deal with my default way of thinking that told me to stay home?
I simply asked myself “Leanne, how do you want to feel?”…and then I took the actions that brought me closer to THAT.
One of those days, the answer WAS to not go to a class. My body was super-sore, and I wanted to feel more loose and limber, so I decided to stay home, take a nice hot bath, and do some stretching and mobility work afterwards.
Another day, my answer was that I wanted to feel sweaty and strong and like I burned some excess bound-up energy, so I went to a barre class that night.
But I had to tune back in to ME. I had to talk to myself and listen to my wants and needs, and then take action in the direction that I WANTED to go — NOT in the direction that my default thinking was leading me reactively (Netflix binge on the couch).
And that’s something that my former fitness junkie self NEVER learned to do.
★ She was so focused on the calorie-burn, the pump, or the adrenaline high
★ She was so busy forcing herself, willing herself, and guilting herself into the the things she didn’t really want to do.
★ She spent her days IGNORING her body in favor of a ‘good workout’, instead of tuning into and connecting with her body
She didn’t know what she didn’t know. And she was doing the best she could with what she had. She was doing her best. And I love and appreciate her for it.
For without my former fitness junkie self….I would have never grown into the me that I’ve become today. And she’s someone that I’m learning to love a little bit more…every single day.
