Let’s get real for a moment:
Transformation is a head game.
Most programs don’t work because they address the effects. Most changes don’t stick because they merely put the fires out.
But if you don’t ever address the cause…those fires will KEEP popping up all over the place.
And I truly believe that as long as you keep trying to address the effects of the problem…and everything that’s OUTSIDE of you…
You’ll KEEP skipping over the cause of it all — and that is happening on the INSIDE.
That means you’ll continue to walk around with the SAME self-image, the SAME self-esteem, and the SAME body-image.
More importantly you’ll continue to have the SAME internal conversations and the SAME Self-Talk and BodyTalk.
And until THAT shifts, change will continue to be short-lived, temporary, and ever-fleeting.
More of the same will go IN, and more of the same outcomes will come OUT.
Sure…the tactics, the quantifiables, and the modalities might change. But the THINKING will be exactly the same.
So what if this time around things were different?
And you finally put an end to the daily battle between logic and emotion—between your head and your heart.
I believe it all starts with your Self-Talk.
THAT is how you really impact your thinking.
THAT is how you ‘change the game’.
And I want to share some powerful new awarenesses with you around your self-talk that MUST happen if you want to BREAKOUT of the relationship with yourself that is KEEPING you stuck.
I’ve compiled a list of the top 10 factors that contribute to TOXIC thinking (as backed by science) that you need to at least become AWARE of if you ever want things to truly shift for you.
You’ll notice that none of the items on the list have anything to do with what you are doing or what you aren’t doing…
It’s about who you’re being, how you’re feeling, and (most importantly) how you are THINKING that make all the difference.
And it’s not just on a practical or ‘mindset’ level either. I’m talking BRAIN-level!
Anytime you feel frustrated or annoyed, your brain just sees it as STRESS, and it lays down a cocktail of those infamous “fat-storage hormones” that we hear about all the time in the weight loss industry — specifically cortisol, adrenaline, and epinephrine.
So if YOU want to become unstoppable, it really is a matter of simply eliminating all the things that are getting in the way of feeling this way.
You must eliminate whatever is proving to be TOXIC to your thinking (and in turn causing ‘threat’ to your brain & nervous system)
I’ve compiled a list of the top 10 factors that contribute to TOXIC thinking (as backed by science)
So without further ado….
The Top 10 Factors That Contribute To Toxic Thinking
★ STRESS
Stress is an inevitable “thing” in our lives. We can either work with it or against it. Especially with the crazy amount of commitments, influences, messages and opportunities being thrown at us every single second of every single day, it is so easy to become overwhelmed or burdened by it all.
You aren’t always going to be able to control or predict all of your incoming stressors, but the good news is, there are some that you can. Stress has a response – a physical, mental, emotional, and chemical response. And what you experience on the inside majorly impacts everything external to you.
Bottom line: if you don’t own your stress, it will own you.
★ REACTION
Where are you living in reaction? Here’s how I know that I’m reacting to my life instead of responding to my life … When I feel like my life owns me more than I own it. It’s when I have that Awareness Awareness that I am spending more of my [time/energy/focus/money/attention] on putting out the proverbial fires in my life… And I never seem to get them out or keep them out.
When in reality I’m never getting to the stuff that matters to me – – to my ‘thrive brain’. I’m stuck cleaning up messes and never feeling fully caught up – stuck in ‘survival mode’.
Things only change for me when I address the root of problem and the source or cause of the fires. I mean doesn’t it make more sense to slow down, assess the leak or the cause… and then go respond to create a solution or answer? Rather than stay in that battle upstairs between your logical brain and your emotional brain when you’re in reactive mode. Living your life in reaction mode is the epitome of living life on the hamster wheel or stuck inside groundhogs day. Only you can decide that it’s time to get off.
★ PAIN
Pain can be a powerful tool. Your brain has receptors all over the inside and outside of your body to detect it, prepare you for it, and handle it appropriately. That is what your senses are for. They keep your brain, body. heart, and soul on alert when there is incoming danger, threat, or stress that might cause you any pain.
Even though you are well equipped to handle it, it doesn’t make it any less stressful to your body. Talk about reactivity! If you are in acute or prolonged pain – – whether it’s physical, mental, emotional, or heart/soul pain– you are going to be reactive.
Your sensory system would be constantly telling your nervous system to be on alert. All weapons locked and loaded. But that nervous system can also become a little desensitized to the pain until you’re no longer even aware of it. So much so that you might be living with pain in areas you aren’t aware of or akin to anymore. Areas that if you do become aware and simply take that pain away (and even sprinkle some pleasure on), your whole life could be transformed.
And again it’s not just physical pain either. If you commit to something that you hate or that causes you emotional distress, it’s the same nervous system reaction as physical pain. Keep that in mind the next time you go to commit to something that you hate or that causes you pain.
★ CONTROL
Let’s address this one right away. So often I hear women say “I wish I had control” over the situation, over my body, of my circumstances. But nobody is fully in control. There are some things and circumstances that are in your control. Unfortunately there’s also a ton of things that aren’t.
Control literally means “check verify regulate dominate direct”. For the things that you can control? Go try to direct them. Direct the crap out of them. Work your little behind off. Put time, energy, heart and soul into impacting, affecting, directing, even dominating them. That is not the part that takes away from your mood or your mojo and happiness.
It’s when you focus on all the ones that you can’t do a darn thing about, focus on all the things that could come up, or that would be out of your control, or focus on and look for problems. That is when control really becomes a weapon.
But also…when you do your best to control or micromanage a situation so much that it completely zaps the joy out of everything you’re doing ….then the need to manage or direct or check or verify becomes a weapon and actually stresses you out more than it helps you.
The alternative? What if I told you control was a losing game and that in reality, control isn’t even what you are really looking for or what you really want. You just think you do.
What you really want is influence. The influence to go direct or control all the things coming in at you that you do have a say in. But then for the things that you don’t, GO influence YOU! Fall back in like, fall back in trust with yourself so that when any of that can’t-see-in-crystal-ball stuff comes back in and throws you off course or off kilter, you can handle it – – better and better in fact each time it happens
★ RESTRICTION
Restriction can indeed be used as a tool of influence, but more often than not, it’s used as a weapon of control. Restriction literally means “to make limited”.
Think about this though: If you have a desire or an engrained habit, and then you go make it limited, BUT you don’t feed the desire that you’re taking away, that desire will STILL be there…going unfed. Chances are you will eventually give in if you’re not extremely mindful to continue restricting.
Often times though if you don’t have a system to replenish your willpower (and I believe it is a renewable resource), you will eventually end up caving – – reverting back to the very thing you were trying to limit or restrict in the first place. Only now it’s usually accompanied by a voice of guilt, shame, blame, or comparison.
So what is the alternative? What if you ditched the rules and opted for permission…and freedom… BUT with the structure you need to have peace of mind knowing that you’re doing all you can do to influence it.
Here’s just one example of using permission with a dash of structure:
I used to workout really hard. Weights, plyometrics, cardio, running — the whole shebang. I used to create really aggressive workout plans and then limit or restrict myself to only those. Then if I didn’t do it, I felt all this cognitive dissonance – – guilt, shame, blame — all of it.
But in addition to that, I was completely disconnected from my body. I made myself do these workouts even if my body was screaming at me to rest or take it down a notch. I learned to essentially completely ignore my body and not listen to its cues.
So how do I move my body now? I give myself permission to find out what my body wants that day, and then I go do it. I go play.
But here’s the flip side. This might leave some people with too much freedom. They might say “Well I feel like sitting on the couch and not moving today.” So here is where I needed to tune in to MY preferences and desires and plan accordingly.
My own personal priorities have nothing to do with how I look or my body composition – – they have everything to do with how I feel. I know that if I don’t move (even for just) 10 minutes a day, I am in pain, my body gets tight, it gets cranky etc. And when my body gets cranky, I’m definitely not fun to be around.
So instead of creating these maximums and trying to force myself to meet them, I use minimums. So I might set a minimum of 10 minutes a day of movement for myself, but I’m completely free to do whatever I want – – even if it’s just breathing or stretching. I give myself permission, but also the structure I thought I need that I was previously getting from control or restriction. And by the way making yourself do a lot of something might not seem like restriction, but it is. If your boxing yourself into any one thing (against your well no less), you’re restricting yourself from all the other alternatives. Just some food for thought.
★ PERSUASION
Before we get into persuasion, here’s what I say about motivation: Motivation can be a tool, but if I am relying on it to get me through my goals, chances are I’ll quickly hit that point where motivation simply isn’t enough to get the job done anymore. And eventually what was once motivating, I’ll now be having to persuade myself or convince myself to continue. And when I get to that place, it takes a whole lot of grit and determination and a heck of a lot of discipline for me to stay the course.
I have found this to also be true of every woman I’ve ever worked with. But here’s the other thing: Activities like that — ones that are being met with all that resistance – – they demand a ton of brain energy and energy energy to carry out. Specifically carbs and nutrients. Live long enough in a lifestyle you’re persuading yourself into, and you end up exhausted. Plus you will stay in the “battle” upstairs convincing yourself “(which by the way literally means “to overcome in argument”).
So what if you kept this in mind and gave yourself choices you wanted to choose and would be easy to choose? As I’ve heard you can do to make dogs take their pills without a fight, put the pill in the peanut butter. Wrap something up in pleasure and enjoyment, and not only will you not be forcing yourself to do it, you’ll actually WANT to do it.
★ GUILT/SHAME
In ways guilt and shame are two different states or feelings on the same continuum.
Guilt: “I ate a cookie. That act or sin was “bad”.” (It literally means “sin/crime”.)
Shame however is: (“I ate that cookie therefore I am bad. Or I have no willpower.”) Shame is more personal. It’s no longer just about the cookie—it’s about the person. (It literally means “loss of reputation”)
Guilt and shame are reactions on the same continuum. They share the same “what happened”: (I ate the cookie.). They simply entail different summaries or translations of that event.
Guilt and shame can indeed be powerful tools to make sure you never stray too far from your moral compass, but if you don’t own them and become aware of them when they show up, they can easily become a weapon of judgment, rejection, and disconnection.
The trick is to notice when guilt and shame show up and see them for what they really are—see what they are really trying to tell you. The good news is: I find with every woman I work with that guilt and shame follow patterns, and if you know the patterns to look for, you can address guilt and shame fairly quickly and easily. Bottom line though: Own the shame and guilt or they will most certainly own you.
★ BLAME
Blame can show up in a number of ways. Whether it’s pinning faults on yourself, someone else, or something else, it doesn’t actually change or solve anything and it essentially gives up ownership of your life. It also keeps you focusing on the past or on the problem itself.
Back to that cookie. Let’s say I ate that cookie and guilt or shame creeps in. Maybe my self-talk goes “Dammit Leanne it’s all your fault. You know you’re not supposed to be eating that”. (I blame myself)
..Or I might blame something else…like the cookie. “Dammit cookie! Why are you there? Why are you even in my house you irresistible thing” .
…Or perhaps I might blame someone else — like my neighbor for baking them for me in the first place. “Doesn’t she know I’m not supposed to eat them? Why would she bake me cookies?”
Either way, not only does blame not solve anything, but it also keeps you focusing on the problem, not a solution. It’s not necessary.
If you really want to become responsible look at the situation objectively (without blame) from a cause and effect perspective and see what really happened– but without making it so personal.
From there you can actually get the information you need to create a solution for the next time this comes up. And trust me, this (or something like this) will come up. Bottom line: blame is a losing game. Own it or it will own you.
★ COMPARISON
Compare literally means ‘to liken or rival’. Let’s nip this one in the butt, shall we? There is no one like you, never has been, and never will be. There is no competition or fight or rivalry. And if there is one –it’s not real….at least it doesn’t have to be. It’s in your head – – and most likely it is not serving you.
They say comparison is the thief of joy, and I believe this couldn’t be more true. Don’t get me wrong, comparison can be a powerful tool to help you along the way. Or it can simply be an observation that is benign and harmless. But It can easily turn someone, something, or some experience into a negative or harmful encounter if you are not aware.
For example let’s say I’m scrolling through my newsfeed on Facebook. “Look there’s pictures of my friends and family.”
BAM! Facebook is a tool of connection and companionship or of staying up-to-date on the lives of people I care about.
But if I am struggling with a case of comparison-itis, BAM! Facebook has now become a weapon of judgment, self-deprecation, loneliness, isolation, and perhaps feelings like I lack in some way or I’m not good enough.
We are wired to make comparisons, judgments, and associations. Saying not to do so isn’t realistic. But know who. what, why and how you are comparing. If it is not serving you and your happiness, I suggest you own it, or it will most certainly own you.
★ PERFECTIONISM
Perfectionists often wear perfectionism like a badge of honor (heck, I did for most of my life). But perfectionism is a weapon in disguise. Do not let it fool you.
Perfect literally means: “to bring to full development”. Can we all just agree that you are never doing anything at your absolute full full potential? There will always be a better, faster, easier, or more perfect way to do something.
But you know what I learned from attempting to be overly perfectionistic? It kept me from living my life! It kept me from getting off the sidelines, getting in the game, and trying stuff out. In turn I created a habit of waiting, “getting ready to get ready”, planning, preparing, outlining, and plotting.
A lot of saying and not as much doing. A lot of wishing, but also a lot of waiting. So what if we agreed on a new definition of perfect (the real definition)? That you will never be at your ‘full development’ until the day you die! So how about in the meantime, you just do your best, keep focusing on developing yourself into the person that would do it even more perfect-er (real word) the next time.
And because I know lifelong perfectionists don’t just suddenly change overnight, let me give you some insight that might help:
Be Perfect-ish.
What I really mean is be particular about what really matters to you. Get clear on what you really want, prefer, and the things you do want to spend more focused attention on… and by all means, spend a lot of time and attention and energy on those things. Go do your best.
But get off the sidelines! Stop waiting for things to be perfect! Go get out there. Fall down. Get a bit messy. Take some wrong turns. Take the lessons and try again if it’s something you really want. But drop the “I am a perfectionist” label as a badge of honor, because it’s keeping you from living your life. And it’s not a label that (I believe) is serving you.
From one recovering perfectionist to another: Be okay with perfect-ish 🙂
